5 Ingredients for a self-care pie
/(The following is a personal post from one of our YWiB executives. We encourage anyone struggling with addiction, stress, mental health or other concerns to seek support, if needed.)
Well friends, we have wrapped up a year. 365 days have passed, and our calendar rolls over to read 2021. So – what does that mean? For many of us, we were ready to put 2020 behind us for very obvious reasons. 2020 was HARD. It was uncomfortable and it stretched most of us quite thin. Here we are, in the middle of a pandemic, social distancing and isolating for the first time, and just because our calendar has rolled over does not mean that the trauma of 2020 is behind us. Now, I am a huge believer in the power of positivity. I believe that positive thinking might not necessarily change your situation, but it will for damn sure change how you handle it, but 2020 sure tested me. This month, it has been 6 years since I quit drinking. I found that using pinot grigio as a way to cope with the daily stressors and hardships of life was simply not working for me. It was only exacerbating my problems and I was becoming more lonely by the day. However, back then, I wasn’t sure what other coping tools I had in my belt. I like to think back to that first year of sobriety as ‘The year I set fire to my life’ and began rebuilding a new one, one with healthy and positive coping mechanisms. Who knew that five years later they would be all of the tools I needed so desperately to carry me through this unknown territory of a pandemic.
Drinking as a coping mechanism right now amongst women aged 25 – 40 is on the rise. In a 2017 study published in Jama Psychiatry, it was revealed that between 2002 and 2013 the number of women who demonstrated problem drinking (this includes alcohol abuse and dependency, the inability to quit) soared by 84%. That is a scary, scary number. Now, let me be clear: our society pushes this. We are creating a narrative that is very unhealthy. Bad day at work? Have a drink. Need to celebrate? Take a shot. Need to relax? Pour yourself a glass of wine. Hanging with friends? Grab a beer. ‘Mommy wine culture’ has also taken over as we push the narrative to mothers that they ‘deserve’ wine at the end of the day. We need to think about the message ‘mommy needs wine’ sends to women. Does that mean moms need wine to handle the chaos of raising kids and life? Does that mean moms can only socialize over wine? Does that wine solve the problems of motherhood? The truth is that none of those things are true, and the ramifications can be serious. Women are far less likely to admit to having a drinking problem, but we have no filter when it comes to stress. We are expected to have it all together and do it all. I don’t know about you – but I feel that pressure, and I certainly felt it this year. The more hours you give to your job, the more you drink. The more depressed you are, the more you drink – or is it the more you drink, the more depressed you become? The two are so tangled up it's often hard to tell which came first. As COVID has us hunkered down at home, leaning on alcohol as a coping mechanism is easier than ever for most. And so, I had to be very intentional about taking care of myself this year, and utilizing all of the tools I acquired during the past 6 years. I now refer to this as my ‘self-care pie’. For not only one thing is going to keep my mind and body healthy, there are five main ingredients to my self-care pie, and I had to rely heavily on all of them to get me through the grief of 2020. I want to share them with you in the hope that you will find value in them.
The Village
Who is in my village? Who do I turn to when things get tough? I needed to be sure as I was isolating, that I didn’t become too isolated. I set up zoom calls, facetime double dates, Google Meet coffees – you name it. We are being asked to not act like humans right now – we are naturally social people. It was incredibly important for me to have connections to people that I could be open, honest, and vulnerable with.
**Bonus points for anyone who has a therapist or psychologist in your village. I know mine helps keep me accountable.
Disconnect
Okay, hold up. I realize I just told you how important it is to stay connected, and here I am telling you that I also need to be disconnected – but hear me out. I don’t know about you, but social media doesn’t always make me feel good. I recently got my screen time report and I was appalled! FIVE HOURS?! How amazing would it be if I’d invested those five hours into my career? Or reading? Or my kids? It benefits our mental health when we put our phones down and are present. I encourage anyone to find settings in your phone and set a limit on social media apps, or set aside an hour a day where you put your phone in another room and do something just for you. It always helps me.
Move your butt
I cannot spend my day ensuring the couch doesn’t float away. Even though Netflix is calling my name, I get up, and go do something. Exercise is a huge piece of my coping skills pie. The outdoors are not closed – I go for a walk, put my earbuds in and have one of my meetings or coaching calls with a colleague where we’re both walking. There is also nothing better than to put my music blaring in my ears and take off for a run. I do my best thinking when I’m walking or running. I often tell myself: Sign up for a zoom workout class, download a yoga app – ANYTHING. Move your butt. **Pro tip: Get a friend to join you for an activity that you can do together like virtual yoga. It helps you to keep connected and keeps you accountable!
Sleep
Enough said. If I don’t get enough sleep – everything is out the window. My FOMO sometimes tells me I need to stay up later to get things done, however, whenever I feel off, I use the HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) method and more often than not I realize I am just tired. If I sleep – I can tackle all of the hard things.
**Bonus: When I go to bed sober, there is a strong chance I won’t sleep in my makeup and wake up with raccoon eyes.
Be kind
I need to be kind to myself. I need to be patient with myself. I need to give myself a break. No, actually – I need to ensure that I take a break! I have a bath (without that glass of wine), turn off my tv, listen to music. Give my mind a moment to rest and reorganize. Read a book. I take some time to feel that sadness and anger that COVID and lockdowns all make me feel, and then pick myself up and carry on. Cook a meal. Write a list of all of the things I am grateful for. Make a dream board for what I want to accomplish. Remind myself that I am a badass – and that I can do absolutely anything I put my mind to.
Even though I myself am a positive person, I had to ensure I was intentionally creating space for grief and gratitude to co-exist this past year. It had to be okay for me to be grateful for all that I have, while also grieving all of the loss I was feeling. Our lives have changed so drastically now, it’s incredibly important we both talk to others about how we are coping and make an effort to develop healthy coping skills. Perhaps you want to put together your own self-care pie? I don’t buy into the ‘new year, new me’ saying, but I do believe we can strive to be better than we were the year before. New year, same me – but better. Healthier. Stronger. Ready to tackle everything being thrown at me. With healthy coping skills.